Spontaneous writing,

1.27 am, 16th October.



My walk, had a streak.
I focused on how the sun’s gleam looked against the blocks me and my peers sit on each morning.
It was period three, and I headed to my spot, my corner.
It was there that I went every time I skipped class, especially period Three Thursdays. Eurgh, Human Science.
I looked down at my feet as I walked down to my corner, lately I felt down.
I had something special and it had been taken away from me,
One minute there, the next, gone. With no explanation.
It was, to great importance, that I shook those thoughts though… Because they were just thoughts.
As I walked around the theatrette to reach my beloved corner, I looked up.
There, he was. Sitting in silence, waiting? I wasn’t sure, but I had to approach.
“This is my corner and it is period three, my corner….”
He looked deep into my eyes and remained silent, not budging. That was like him, always so hard headed… stubborn.
I’m not sure what came over me, but this urge… It was strong.
He kept his eyes on me.
“I‘m sorry that I can‘t make you happy. I’m sorry that it’s not as simple as me being whatever you want me to be. I’m sorry I’m no that girl, that housewife, that slut. I’m sorry. ”
He looked down, and I felt my lip tremble and my heart light on fire.
He began to say my name, when I interrupted…
“No, I need to say this, because if I don’t I‘ll go crazy, if I don’t, it will literally kill me.”
I waited for him to get up and run away, but he remained still. Not looking down, but not looking at me. Staring into the distance.
“I haven’t said anything to anyone, because I don’t want them to know. I don’t want them to know how much on the inside I’m dying. I don’t want them to know because I‘ll be humiliated, I dont want them to know, because they might think your a bad person... when you're not. You're just not. I just... I need to tell someone, and I‘m telling you because as much as I am hurting on the inside now, no matter how much more we‘re driven apart, I‘ll still going to hurt on the inside… nothing could change that, we're already not talking.”
I felt my hands shake, and he looked back down. I didn’t want him to look at me anymore, I knew that would put me off. I couldn’t have that, I needed to keep going, to get all of this stupidity out of my system.
“I want to make you happy though, in every possible way. You Don’t have to be alone all the time.
You don’t have to be this person, just because of the way you’ve been brought up, because of the way your friends see you. I  just want to be there for you when you need me. I just want to talk to you, and for you to talk to me. Why can’t you understand that? ”
I stared down at the top of his head, I was furious, but all I wanted to do was hold him… God, I’m so cliché.
“I need you to stay in my life, I need you to be here, you‘re the only piece of reality that I have. You treated me like an adult, you took care of me, looked over me, made me feel like there was at least one person I could go to….. But now, you‘re gone. I can‘t help but just love you so much, because of the person you are. You‘re such a fucking amazing person and I get that you like to be alone, I know that! I'm like that too, I like my space, I like not having to depend on anyone... I'm not here to tell you what to do, or to try and help you... I just want to be there for you.”
I couldn’t believe I used the words love and fucking in the same sentence. No, I couldn’t believe that I told him I loved him. No one loves anyone anymore, yet… I did. I did love  him. No other way to describe the burst of emotion I had for him, I knew I sounded pathetic.
“I love you so much it consumes me, and I wish that you could just love me back, and be happy. You‘re never happy. Neither am I, but with you… I feel it, I feel the happiness and warmth and all that stupid fucked up shit. I‘ll always love you, because you, you are smart and funny and caring.. The best thing to ever come in my life. I learn from you, I push myself to do better because of you, you consume me, and there will never, ever be anyone that could possibly compare to you, there is no one, that could. No one that would ever affect me the way you do. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I love you so much. ”
I was breathing heavy, my heart and my lungs were on the verge of a collapse. Now I looked down. I was so ashamed, all my heart was put on the line, fuck, I must have sounded so desperate. But, It was all off my chest. My ribs felt less heavey, but broken apart.
He slowly stood up, and as I watched his body slowly straighten up he grabbed my face.
I looked up into his eyes, shaking. He looked, no, he stared so deeply into my eyes. I was hypnotized.
My entire mind went blank, something that has never happened before. Something that I had wished for weeks since he was the only thing on my mind.
He felt so warm, the way I always knew he was, and that smell. His smell.
It was almost sweet. It had been such a long time since we made contact, this is how i wanted it be forever. Still, silent, embracing.
He opened his mouth and began speaking. His deep voice echoed through my body, sounding so wonderful, the voice that had taken over my life.
For once, my heart felt warm and still.