Explanation of below....

I suppose I didn't make my point clear,
what I was trying to imply was that, maybe being alone isn't so bad... I mean, from the beginning.
Now,  at this point, being alone is another word for suicide.
But maybe I can rebuild myself from ashes and just get used to being numero uno.
Maybe after this outrageous blow to the heart not only from the intimate side, but the friendships aswell,
I can learn to sustain my life, without depending on anyone but myself?
Like I said, supression is a way of life for me now, perhaps I should take it that one step further?
Truely, alienate myself?
I spoke to the not so Mr BIG, Big, the other man in my life, the one who hadn't quite betrayed me yet, who for some strange reason was not me at all but understood me better than anyone else and he made me realise I can only count on myself...
But then, I counted on him to help me realise that.
Am I physically unable to just make myself happy instead of count on people that won't be there forever?
I actually have no faith left in me... All I have is the Sacrements of Carrie Bradshaw and Blair Waldorf... But then I suppose I'm depending on them to preach for the sake of my will!
What am I doing?
I look for Mr not so Big ( I'm thinking I should give him a less imasculating name, I'll have to get back to you on that one...) to guide me because of his ability to understand me and the hostile, nerving voices of the Carrie and Blair evolution to help me pull through, But I suppose it's not as warm and homey as I hoped for.
I simply don't know anymore.
What to do about myself, What should I do?
I need help, I need true genuine help.