I hit ya like Bam Biggity bam bam biggity bam... Let me take a breath, God Dayum.

I find it strange, tho this will change soon.
Right now, or should I say the last couple of days,
as wrecked as my heart may feel,
I swear I'm happy.
Like okay, occasionally I'll have my bumbling wreck, sad litttle bundle moods,
but I just feel so... at peace.
Actually I feel like I'm on pills, all the time.
Haha.
Like when I am happy, I'm like pinging. Thats exactly how I describe my happiness.  A jolt, obviously far from euphoria, but a jolt none the less.
My heart beats so fast, it is actually quite alarming.
I'm trying to decide wether it's a bad thing or not.
I think about it, I have so much to be happy for, It is usually one particular thing that tends to pull me down.
I pretty much more what does bring me my joy tho.
Yes yes, I have my friends, and we all have our moments....
but for me, my joy is music.
As cliche`, ghay, cheesy etc as that may sound...
Gimmie some State Of Trance, Wu Tang Clan, Big L, Jay Z, KRS - One,
and mate I'm happy.
I feel like an arsehole, because They aren't exactly my original favourite Genre.
Like I love Hardcore, always have, always will.
But they do not exactly set the perfect mood of an atmosphere, I hate that I care less about it,
but you grow out of things. I duno, I need something new for while,
I need a new me, Ehhh Fekkk it.

Lets make a list

of things I love;
-Spaghetti with so much melted cheese on it
-Boys in knitted jumpers
-Random walks at 10 at night
-Pizza with 'loads of cheese'
-Educating people about Notorious B.I.G and Big L
-Sleeping with no pants on
-Pretending to hit someone, then actually accidently hit someone
-Peanut butter
-Hash Browns and Nuggets
-Vogue imported from Italy
-Rice
-Sitting on grass
-Oversized jumpers
-Being spooned
-Boys telling you they love you
-Making Dinner with your friends
-Going out and getting Dinner with your friends
-Going to cafe's and having a coffee at 10 pm
-Forever New
-Random asain stores in Melb Central
-Wog's Trying to make a move
-Chapel st
-The men in Chapel st
-Sydney Rd
- The Lebo sweet shop on Sydney Rd
-The amount of Vl's and Rotor's going down Sydney Rd
-Savers
-Boys who open door's for you
-Boys who refuse to let you pay for the coffee or dinner
-Boys who offer to by you things
-Reading Fucked up books
-Cracking Knuckles
-Being malested by boys in mosh pits
-Live bands
-Tattoo's on the chest and neck
-Boys with interesting hair cut's
-Brawls
-Staring bogan's off
-Deep and Meaningfull's with people's parents
-Attracting Drunk Men
-Older men thinking I'm 18, picking me up, then bursting Their bubble telling them I'm actaully only 16
-Drink up's at Justin's
-Sleeping at Justin's
-Smoking Stuyvies
-Smoking at cafe's
-My Look book
-The Look Book Website
-Boy's in beanies
-When a boy sits next to you, and he's wearing your favourite band top
-Inside jokes
-Making fucked up noises
-'I'm Done.'
-Songs that are basically porno's
-Porno's
 -Dancing, non stop
-Parties
-Chill Nights
-Cruising in car's, listening to trance
-Cosmic Gate
-Skaters with baggy jeans
-Gangsters
-Gossip Girl's Wardrobe
-Kat Von D


......... Lemme tell you, there's so much more.
But I cannot be bothered and I wana go eat rice.
This is to be continued.

Symptoms

of Bipolar.
With all seriousness,
For a long long time, I had always thought I suffered from this.
Within the oneday I'm the most happiest energetic person, then the most suicidal synical depressed person,
like I dont think I actually have it and what not, but whatever it is that's happening to me, I hate it.
Like all my ups, all my downs,
It is actually killing me, and I can't seem to find the cure.

Was expecting

So much more from the dearest Merlz.
For those who are unsure who Merlz is, She is my mother.
Loved by all, everyone finds my mommy a mam cutie, cept for me. But I'm her daughter, I'm entitled to hate her since I've seen her real side.
Anyway, thats besides the point.
The point is, She found my smokes.
Hahahahahahahaha.
Sorry, first time i said it aloud. Makes me laugh.
So yeah she finds them, walks up to me, says 'Just tell me, do you smoke now?'
And in my head I'm like pissing myself laughing coz its like now!, mate more like 2 years.
So I decide, instead of some far fetched lie, I be honest and say Yahp.
She just greaseys me, then gives me the silent treatment. F.e, I guess if I was her I'd do the same.
So later she kinda has a shit fit, I now have to go centrelink myself to get that youth allowance bullshit, which  I don't mind as much because as Merlie quotes 'You get all that worked out, so you can buy your ciggarettes.'
Its true, I need that allowance for my Stuyvies, nice to know she's paying attention to my wants.
Later on in the day, Me and her are no joke like (yn).
I find it funny, because I know all my mothers secrets. I can spot her lie to me in one sec.
It takes her what, like two years?
I think that's why she doesn't tell me to stop, or ground me or anything like that;
She knows I know all her secrets, and as bad as this may be, What she has done, and is doing, is sooo much more worse. I love It.
What's even better, is that that's all I need to worry about.
I have no other secrets hidden, That's all I hid from her. It's like this major weight is lifted.
A wise person once told me,
to just suck it up and tell Merlie about my addiction, and I had told them NO WAY!
Merlies crazy, she'll kill me.
Guess that wise person actually deserves their title.
I'd widh i could tell the wiseman that he was right, but i dont think he cares.

Here's a story,

More like a complaint.
It would be nice, if someone could explain this to me.
Lets just go by the people I have observed, as anonymous characters.
Lets call the male Mr A and the female Ms B.
Mr A, is a junkie. One of the worst. He has physically hurt females before, has threated one of two friends of mine, is absolutely rude and obnoxious and is a complete asshole sexist slob.
Ms B, is a whore. Thats that best way to describe her, well i guess you could call her a junkie crack whore. Yeah thats all thats needed to be said about her, she IS a junkie crack whore.
What I'm trying to get at, is that I witnessed the both of them spending time with one another.
How could it be, that i could be jelous of such a relationship?
The both of them had walked by, hand in hand, happily smiling at their surroundings.
They seemed so good, while I sat back... hating every aspect of my life.
My point is,
how is it, that someone like Mr A, can settle down and have emotions for one other person?
I mean we all know they are an item, and you'd like to think it's just one massive wreck. But that's wrong.
What I saw, was two people looking happy with eachother.
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?
That's what I'd like to know, how can Mr A like Ms B and stick to her?
I'm trying to understand how an arsehole, how someone so mean  like him, can have feelings for someone, and stick to them.
I want someone to explain to me, how two of the most fucked up disfunctional people in the whole world, can carry out a relationship.
Here's another example, lets name anonymous character Mr C.
Me and Mr C were good friends.
I know he's not the type to have feelings for someone. Then out of nowhere I hear he's in a great relationship. Mr C, is like Mr A. All of the above, cept Mr C is a liar. But even so,
There he is... in a relationship.
Could someone explain to me, why is that this these off nut junkies are treating and loving their ladies better,
than the men that I choose?
My men are all smart and clever and goodlooking, some of which, never smoked pot, let alone be close to being some sort of junkie.
My men, who all have their heads pretty much screwed on properly,
who have great personalities and humour, yet can't take care of me.
I'm trying to decipher why it is that this is the case.
Why is it, the junkies are better than the Gentlemen?
Or maybe its me,
Maybe I am just destined to be with someone so blind and insane.
No matter how much I want someone with brains, with something to say, they can't show affection.
But seriously, am i right in wanting the answer?
Am I right in making this something to investigate?
It's not such a stupid thing, to find this odd.
Please,
Allah, Budha, God, Friends, Foes, Aqquintances...
Someone give me the answer,
Someone educate me in male brains.
Someone tell me, why the right men dont want me.

I Find It Kinda Funny,

I find it kinda sad.
I don't want to be one of those people who 'take the easy way out'.
I don't think that there's a single person in the whole entire world, who hasn't thought, EVEN for a second, that them dying would just be so much easier.
It's is just such a primative thought I have. It's the only way I think anything can be solved.
But i don't be be all mellow dramatic, and all suicide this and what not,
coz to be honest, that is so shit.
I would never do that, I would never have the guts to point something at my face or my chest and shoot.
I would never have the guts to shank myself. That's just balls.
No, since i was 8, after John my father died,  I did wish death upon myself, but not self infliction.

Yeah, since the age of 8 i had wished to be killed by someone else, buy ANYTHING else.
even know I'm 16, twice the age i was back then, and I still wish the same.
I always think about how I wish my mother went crazy and she jsut stabbed me to death, or a random person on the street didn't like the way i looked and just beat me to death.
That's just the way I'd want it. Doing those things on my own, would seem so selfish of me.
Ending my own life myself, people would spite me for it. I would hate that.
If I was attacked or hit by a car, or stabbed to death, atleast it would seem like an accident.
It's so unfair.
Why can't someone want me to die, as much I want to?

At this point,
Im an emo kid, non conforming as can be
should pop into your head.

Your World is a small world, and I break the rules

The high street sleeping. There's friday creeping. The shops are open, but their minds are closed.


I've known this all along, I know I'm not Ignorant, But fuck this town is soo closed minded.
It's like, everything is so mediocre. No one see's what i can,
No wait, thats a lie. Theres actually a fair few that do, but they still choose to fall under the mediocre catagory.
As small is this issue may be, I'm talking about style.
This town has no style. No one understands.
I hate how I am able to wear my my threads in manhatten and it could be seen as true style,
but here, It's so unseen, It's so out of the box, people freak out.
I am soooo sick of people freaking out, fuck if they saw what was on the Milan or French catwalks they'd shit out fucking bricks.
Like seriously, why be so shit at life for?
;@

Yes, The tears Make Their Unwelcomed Return

Flooding my cheeks.
At this point, I'm Thinking.
Thinking of the amount of times i do this. It seems it really is on a regular basis.
Is it because everything i do is wrong? Is it because the people i seek help from, give me the wrong advive because of their lack of knowledge? Or may it be, because its the other half?
I ask myself the most common question, that fellow adolescents tend to ask themselves;
What Is Wrong With Me?
What is there that you want, and why can't i meet your expectations?
Why is it that someone else can find another half, and accept them?
What is it about me, that doesn't suffice for you?
I wonder, if anyone has ever thought 'Yeah well I dont like this about you, fix it.'
I could deal with that. If someone had such care for me, and asked me to tell them what is it that that they needed to change, just to be with me, OF COURSE I would inform them.
It's trialable.

It would be nice, If one day someone was honest and told me what was wrong with me.
No
- 'I don't have to tell you, be yourself'
-'Your perfect just the way you are'
-'If they dont see what i see, then their blind'
-'They're not worth your time if you have to ask yourself that'
-'There's nothing wrong with you'
No, i dont want to hear that bullshit. I want the truth.


What the fuck is wrong with me, to make you not want me?

Inglorious Bastards.

Best Movie I have ever seen.

Its days like these that make me feel

like i want everyting right now.

Summer days are approaching, and I am finding it rather hard to contain my excitement.
Theres so much to look forward to:
- The late nights, due to day light's savings
-The summer anthem songs, that gets played at all parties and hypes you up tooooo much
-The minor amount of clothing you wear
-The minor amount of clothing the opposite sex wears
-Living off slurpees
-Sweat fest gigs
-Corona's and lemon
-Tanning for hours
-The beach, full stop.
-Friends pools
-The steaminess of summer relationships, everything always gets kinkier in summer
-Reminisqing about last summer
-My mother going away
-Sleeping with no pants on
-Air conditioning
-Cigerattes on the beach
-Cigerattes in the sun
-Cigarettes and slurpees
-Cigarettes and tanning
-The amount of flirting and giggling
-Drama's are way more juicy in summer
-Walking around shoeless
-Hair getting lighter AND longer
-Forgetting to eat
-Everything seems more better in summer, you could be in a situation where you and a friend went to buy a slurpee, but you imagine it in summer and it seems like heaven

God, it just endless.
and being at this age, I know for sure im at the prime of my youth.
This is literally all about having fun and doing as much as i can.
I actually CANNOT wait.

Should probably put up the sailor dress

Another little creation.
I think i love it, does that make me vain that I like my own creations?

PA PA PA

POKER FACE,
pa pa poker face.




Just a personal reminder.

When I Grow Up

I want to be Famous, and i want to be a star;
But i personally do not wish to be in movies, but hopefully oneday my designs will be.
I do want to see the world and eventually drive nice cars but no need for groupies, when i could have my little run way models.

Here I have dress that i have been aching to make for such a long time,
and i finally gathered the confidence to make it,
I had drawn in millions of times on paper, wishing that oneday i could make it.

And I did:

The opposite of receiving. I've learnt to let go

I lost someone,
and i'm not scared to post for their eyes to see,
because i've got nothing to lose anymore.
within the days of my becoming 16, the person my life revolved around disappeared.
I still don't know why, they never explained. All i could get was an i don't know.
I think about my actions sometimes, i think maybe it was in my head the amount of effort i put in trying to keep them in my life.
Maybe it was all in my head, how close we were.
I want to rewind everything and go back to how it was,
I wish that i could still call you my friend.
I wish you could have tried a bit harder, after i had left it open to you.
You brought up such a hard subject for me to talk about with you,
there was so much that could have been said, but in shame i kept it to myself
with fear of driving you away. But you beat me to it.
You showed me the side of you, that i had been trying to force out of my brain.
I'd you seen you behave like this, but never thought it would happen to us.
I thought that perhaps you cared about me enough to refuse that path and deal with things differently. You proved me wrong and though you expected to be a priority to me, I see i never ever was to you.




I appreciate your judgement, it's proved that I can't trust a word you say. Those must be some pair of binoculars that you see every move I make. So I'll never be a liar, but you'll always be two-faced.
You'll get what's coming to you, You're blinded by your instincts.
I'm not your fucking game, I'm not so easily beat.
I'm looking down at this mess that you've made, and I can't believe that I stayed so unhappy for so long, Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this, my hand is on the handle. We're leaving everything behind,
Goodbye for a lifetime

Sweeeeet

Sixteeeeeen.
August 6th sixteeen years ago, i was born.
I am not a birthday person, i do not appreciate the attention, i hate it to be honest; I get so embarassed, because i know that it's not important and there are things more important to think about.
It's shit, knowing that i have just turned the 'stupid' age,
when your sixteen you get involved in stupid things, you care less about the things going around you because you care to much about yourself.
Everyones so disrespecful, so dumb, so ignorant at this age that it makes me sick,
No one carries proper idealistics.
Its al garbage, and sex.
I'm embarassed for us all.

But besides my pessimism,
i will say as much as i dislike notice of my birthday,
the people that i spent it with,
my Real friends, I could not have enjoyed being the 'stupid age' so much.
I received the most thoughtful gifts, and saw who was really there for me.
But, it still did not end on a good note.

Stimulation.

Literature, Writing, Acedemics.
Everything I've been loooking for.




Fantastic show, shown to me. So fucking mind stimulating its like having a head massage.

Afternoon Delight

I visited Spotlight today with justin my lovelyy baby cakes,
and i had never felt a want for something so much in my life before.
The materials, the lace, the on going shelves of fabric after fabric just lit me back up again.
Seeing the ideas flow in my head, like theres no tomorrow taking my mind of the reason why i've changed, why i've felt so dead to the world.
It was more than just walking into a clothing store and finding some pretty dress,
it was ME finding the perfect outfits, ME finding something that i could turn into my own, i could out poor emotion and out poor the regret i have botttled in me on to an outfit that i have personalised and made myself.
It would give me something to be proud of, something to hide behind too stir the questions away.

All this jazz about Spotlight,
Jesus

The steps that i retrace, the sad look on your face. The timing and structure, did you hear he fucked her?

It seems that every weekend i have new news, more stories and dramatic changes of emotion.
This friday night i had a another party, of which i seem to have fallen forgetful to.
It is the second party in a row that i have forgotten a large percentage of my actions.
Well atleast this time i didn't say anything to fuck a friendship and i know who i kisssed.
it is also the thirddd partry in a row where i have worn something homemade, and gotten a fantastic amount of praise towards it.






This weekend i was happy,
this weeekend was at my lowest point.
This weekend made me view things differently,
this weekend made me realise who i should respect and who i shouldn't.
This weekend i changed, i altered myself to get over things, i told people how i felt (sober), i starved then ate.
I saw who deserved pity, who deserved to have as much love as possible thrown at them.
I saw the people that should be aloud to feel sorry for themselves.
I have no right to hate my life, when there are so much more worse broken hearts out there, especially when i know for a fact that its my fault mine gets crushed in the first place.
I've seen all of this,
coz of the people who are my associates and the people who are my friends,
i've seen all this coz of the people i thought were there for me but weren't.
I've seen all this because of the people who said that they would be there for me, and actually live up to their words.

And it'll happen once again, You'll turn to a friend. Someone that understands
and sees through the master plan. But everybody's gone and you've been there for too long, to face this on your own.

Well I guess this is growing up.

What do i do

Everytime i want to cry.
Because it's frequency is begining to kill me.

Gleeeeeeeeeeee.

Watching Glee,
which starts off fantastic, makes sense etc etc.


But thats not the point.
the point is, im pissed off.

Im pissed off because i was on a massive high of just plain happiness and now i'm literally in tears because one little thing is getting turned into something thats potentially going to destroy EVERYTHING i have worked for.

Career

All i want to be is a designer.

Okay so Here's like one of the first tops i've made,
Its pretty much one of the first tops that i have changed the design of instead of simply removing the sleeeves. I got rid of the sleeeves and brought the shirt in because it was far too big and i wanted more a figure complamentint top.

If you cant tell its Backless.

I have just always wanted a backless top, but i never have money to buy one. So i cracked it and decided fuck it i'll jsut make one. Not sure if you can notice but i cut the back to farrrrrrr, so i added the plats to make the back look more covered, and the decoration came out like perfect !

sewing is seriously like drains my life, but nothing has made me feel more vibrant and good about myself ever.

Nerdboat (8

Wednesday evening, 15th July.
I've got about 6 work books, 1 binary folder, 1 sheeeet folder and a 10pack of sheet pretectors.
I have Littt homework which includes reading "Animal Farm" and answering questing on a peom Judith Wright.
I have an assignment for Australian Society where i have to read the newspaper and analyse articles about the law...
Tonight, i really want to get stuck into my homework, tonight i actually want to put in an effort.
I want to be mature and grown up about my work and i reallly don't want to fall behind.
I know i go thru this phase every couple of months... but this time i want to stick to it.


Its what Misss Coco Chanel would do afterall.

Begging of my blog.




Would rather do this than some sort of diary.


It is 10.41, and at this moment i realise all is well.
My life, in general is at its highest peak,
with my fantastic group of friends keeeping me sane. I actually think majority of my joy is thanks to them. I am starting to understand alot more about myself, and about all the relationships i have around me. I feel as if now, i am actually growing up. I dont feel stupid or worthless anymore.





my victory in sight, a steady heart will not collide with misfortune, oh the integrity.