SOUNDWAVE 2010

Febuary 26th.

Popped my Soundwave wave cherry, was quite amazing.
A day to remember stole the show, Dance Gavin Dance had the strangest mosh but none the less took my breath away, Architects made me jizz in my pants seven times, Oh lala Sam Carter, ALEXISONFIRE OH MY LORD!, Seeing Aaron Gillespie made me tear up and spending pretty much the whole entire day with Justy bebz obviously explains why my day was so effing good.

Cross of the shit you've done....

Graduated High School.
Kissed someone.
Smoked cigarettes.
Got so drunk you passed out.
Rode every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Snorted cocaine.
Failed a class.
Smoked weed.
Dealt drugs.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid).
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself.
Ran a marathon.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown on a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself.
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Gone to a different country.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
Had an online diary.
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
And a lemonade stand.
Actually made money at the lemonade stand.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Attempted suicide.
Voted for American/Australian Idol (x factor.)
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year.
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn’t have.
Wondered about your sexuality.
Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once.
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Petted a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Did “spirit day” at school.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced.
Got straight A’s.
Been on the Honor Roll.
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren’t home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.

Trying to wrap my head around things.
I always know what I want, there's no question about it.
What I can't understand is how other people don't. I can understand how someone can be undecided about life in general, but I don't understand how someone can be undecided about someone else.
You know when you feel something for someone, wether it be hatred, love, sex, friendship... You know that's what you're feeling, I can't get my head around why people choose not to pursue that because they are unsure...
It makes people like me, who know what they want and go after what they want feel lifes strain.
The only thing I ever get confused about is how someone else feels.
TEDIOUS, OH SO MOTHER FUCKING TEDIOUS.

Life story or?

What is it about those boys that actually care?
What is it about the girls who dilude themselves into thinking boys actually care?

NOT IN ORDER, THAT WOULD TAKE YEARS.

25 things I love:
1.Men
2. Stuyvesant Classics
3. My sewing machine
4. Lauren Adams
5. Essendon
6. Music.
7. Sarcasm
8. Blair Waldorf
9. Gossip Girl
10. Sex and the City
11. Christian Louboutin
12. Money
13. Harry Potter
14. Straight Hair
15. Love
16. ASH STYMEST
17. Potatoe cakes
18.Chanel
19.Balenciaga
20. Facebook
21. Gossip
22. Manipulation
23. TATTOOS
24. Blogging
25. Dallas Green

25 Things I Hate:
1. Spiders.
2. Jerks.
3. Conceited People.
4. People in general.
5. Not being listened to.
6. MR BIG
7. Girls
8. Waking Up.
9. The White guy
10. People against smoking
11. Bad hair days
12. SLUTS
13. Gucci
14. Worrying too much.
15. Anxiety.
16. Ms Kostuk
17. Not being with you
18. Math.
19. Not having tattoo's
20. Not wearing heels
21. Indie
22. Bad kissers
23. Liars
24. Lovey dovey bullshit
25. BLONDES

I suppose that's the thing,

when you're 16, you truely believe you love someone....
Until someone better comes along.
All this time, I thought I was irrevocably inlove, then, like that *snaps fingers, I found someone else.
Apparantly it's a very envious trait of mine.
I don't think it is.

In the precise sense, I Am Crazy About You

She wakes up
Rage and grace
Pulling me closer, pushing away
And me
The sharpest thorn on your vine
Twisting and turning
We're all intertwined

Broken wing
Empty glass
Words that scream and bounce right back
She says, you know
We'd all like to rearrange

I wish I could fix you
And make you how I want you
I wish I could fix you
And I wish you could fix me

I wish I could heal you
And mend where you are broken
I wish I could heal you
And I wish you could heal me

Ha la la la

A beaming sunrise buries the night
The setting sun destroys the light
Then she says, baby, I've gotta get going
Cutting each other
Without even knowing

She sees a million stars like holes in the sky
All God's tears for her they cry
And I am in her rain


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's true, things that you're going through
Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's you, things that you're going through,
Some people said a prayer for,
The one you want to live, the eyes that once were his
Some people said a prayer for,
The way you want to live, the eyes you want to give

Some people say you played me,
I don't care if it's true, I'm waiting here for you,
Some people say you made it,
I'm not afraid to know, when things are getting low
Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's true, things that you're going through
Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's you, things that you're going through

Just A Little Truthful Update

Promise to take this without deleting any questions?
Yes

How are you feeling at this exact moment?
Um, Confused if anything, Tired, VCE, Yr 11, Is a non stop work train.

Did you drink any alcohol this week? Did you get drunk?
Um I suppose on Saturday, but didn't get drunk.

How long until your next birthday? 

Mate, a few months.

How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
Once, and only once!

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
Mmmmm, yeah.

Do you like to cuddle?
Depends who with,

Are you doing anything tonight? 

Chillen like a villian

Is your hair naturally straight?
Nope

Is your heart broken?
Mmmm, not exactly

Who’s hoodie did you last wear?                                                                                                                                                                Actually, that's a good question.

Ever been called babe?
Yes.

Did you kiss anyone in November?
Yes

You kissed someone last night, didn’t you?
Actually, yes

Is it okay to like someone else when you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
Um, I suppose it's okay... What's not okay, is if you like two timed etc

Are you one of those people who constantly check the time?
Mmmm, YES.

What happened at 10:00 am?
Um, don't even get me started..... N4S

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Oh yeah!

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
Not all that often

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
It was the first AND LAST time.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Under special circumstances, yes.

What’s on your mind?
A boy. Not Pacino nor BIG

Has any one of your friends ever seen you cry?
A fair few

Who was your last call from?
Justin

What was it about?
Sam Carter

What were you doing at 12 this afternoon?
School

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
I want to, but no way.

What is the last thing you spent money on?
Cigerettes.

When is the next time you will leave your house?
7.30am, period 0 WORST

How many pair of skinny jeans do you own?
Loooool, like 4 or 5

Do you have a hard time admitting you’re wrong?
Yes.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you?
All the time.

When was the last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Saturday Day

I have never felt more completely like myself than when I hold you.

Not really an epiphany or realisation or anything

I think I just realised that I have to admit to myself,
I thrive and live off attention.
Like I can't go a day without some sort of ridiculous attempt to get attention, good, or bad.
I'm not the type to walk around naked, but I say things and do things to get particular reactions, I manipulate and fuck around to get the right amound of attention each day.
It's like a system.
I have an attention seeking daily routine.
Is that not completely ridiculous? Does that make me a bad person?
It's not like I stop other people from getting on the spotlight or hog the stage,
It's just everyday I have to take a certain amount of energy or I crack.
Like now, right now, I have cracked.
I'm actually being very immature, childish, selfish, but in all honesty,
I AM DYING! I have to have a certain amount of attention by particular people or else....
I won't be able to sleep at night or something!
Omg, My life is tragedy times 1000000000.

Valentines Day

What kind of woman forgets Valentines day?
That's almost as unnatural as a man not scratching his balls.
I received an interesting text from Pacino yesturday eveninig concerning a present... And I honestly had no idea what he was on about. What was so amazing about tomorrow?
Out of all the days to give a present, why tomorrow?
DICKHEAD! Obviously it was Valentines day.
Really? Have I been that disappointed that I really have forgotten about all that stuff.
That's so wrong for me to have completely forgotten till literally the next day.
So now, I get no present and I have no idea why that msg was sent to me.
I hate that bullshit. Why can't people do that thing where they're honest.

The gospel according to The Ugly Truth

"The big strong brave men, that we’ve all been reading about in novels and watching in movies since we’ve been nine years old, - -that’s a fallacy. They don’t exist. Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men, are afraid. Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it’s totally romantic and full of potential, men are incapable of copping to it because, why? Men are weak."

The gospel according to http://palewords.blogspot.com/

I once had a friend.
He shone over every other, a vibrant character.
Though where has he gone
And
What has he become.

Of late, I saw said friend.
He had gone no further than where I had last seen him.
And
He had become no more, but less the character he ever was.

So long friend .

I don't pity thee, though I feel for ye.

I should have seen it all along, and thrown the arms of saving grace out for one.

Does this make me for worse?

I ask of you.

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty.
Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing...
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
and I'm Breaking Down,
I think I'm breaking down.

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me.
Such as living with the uncertainties,
That I'll never find the words to say,
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down.

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice

I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's kill.
Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill.
Madness fills my heart and soul,
As if the great divide could swallow me whole.
Oh, how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice


Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Could it be? This misery will suffice

I'm going to point out the obvious.

Death.
It really hits your body, your emotion.
That feeling, that knowledge that you're never going to get that back, is possibly the worst feeling in the world because no matter what, it's never coming  back.
Sometimes you do forget it, although it's buried deep within your heart, but when you do remember that loss that feeling consumes you for days until the right amount of laughter has put you back together.
Perhaps if there was one thing I could wish for, it wouldn't be money or looks or love, It would be for the people that I have permanantly lost to come back, raise from the dead and be a physical part of my life again.
It's such a hard thing to say out loud, to verbally anounce that their never coming back. No matter how many times you rehearse it in your head, you can't even sit in a room looking at your reflection alone and anounce that you really miss them, that you can't deal with them not coming back.
This stuff never just affects one person, it's a wave of madness that fills everyone hearts.
It's an awkward subject because you never know who has lost somebody.
It's a touchy subject because people bring it up thinking its better to talk about it,
when in reality it's worse. It's worse remembering that they're gone.
But the most worst part is, that no matter how many people you've permantly lost, no one is ever going to understand what you're going through.
Everybody. EVERYBODY. Has different ways of grieving and feeling and dealing with calamity. Everyones relationship, their feelings towards the lost are different. No matter what, No one, understands how you feel.
They just always feel sorry for you. That's it. Sympathy.

And then like that, Everything Fell Through.

Everyones done it.
Everyones tried to be strong, tried to harden up and move on...
Everyones fianlly thought 'Yes, I'm ready to open up again, find something ( someone ) new', only to have the slightest pinch of the warmth you used to feel truely make a fist a brutally smash your face in. Yes, that's how I feel when that warm fuzzy feeling visits that sick little heart of mine.
You're back in that painful gut feeling; Also known as 'Butterflies.'

My encounter,
Oh lord! Tragedy, I think so.
I had this big ass wall, and I assure you, it was made of tons and tons of cement and bricks guarding me from one big ( and big is an awful word to use, although completely irrelevant, Mr BIG is not around literally. We havent spoken a single word to eachother in weeks, which frankly is quite liberating... But more to the point...), One big amazing Pacino. A lemme tell you, by barely lifting a finger he brought it all down.
It's just one of those things in life you hate to feel, over and over again.
You build this shit up for a reason and it's completely your fault that it smashes in your face.
Why is it one of human's traits to constantly do this to ourselves?
Like, I am okay. But every few minutes I feel a sense of need.
Need is bad for people, Need is a fucked up weakness.
Oh, what's there to do?
Gym for the mind... and heart?
I don't think so.

My heart and I will always belong to you.

Il miei cuore ed io apparterranno sempre a voi

You know what I'm looking forward too...

School starts tomorrow.
Do you understand the drama and goss?
Hopefully i'll be fueled.

Its 4.25 In the morning

....And two hours ago, you could have had everything.
Everything.

The gospel according to http://palewords.blogspot.com/

Absolute Genius this human being is.
http://palewords.blogspot.com

• Behold the crushing truths of fatal attraction.
  I know not why my heart yearns for you as it does, though that which I do know, is this;
  You hold wondrousness in your appearance, as though you were the offspring of beauty itself.
  And your mind is clearly as addicted to being fulfilled as I find mine to be.
  I only wish that all that you are, wasn’t all that I am not. For otherwise, you and I would be quite darling, I surmise.
  But for what it is worth, please do not refrain from treating my eyes to a show of such unfathomable calibre and rarity.
  As you are without question, the very essence of the word delectable.

• Despite your attempts at subtlety, darling. I see precisely what you're thinking.
  And if I could put lips to lips without harming another, I would do so in a matter of seconds.
  I am, as mad as it seems, quite the admirer of your very existence. And once again, I know so little about you, but feel the facade is rather well rehearsed. Please understand, I am well practiced in the area of observation. And with such said, you are the universe, as I am the eye. Stunning to look at, yet so minimally explored.  

• How could this possibly be, that I find myself once again, tied mercilessly between want and need.
  Little does it help that want is as flawless in features, as the day is long, yet need is as fitting as the very shoes of mine that they are so accustomed to walking in.
  Want, you are my sin among sins. I crave all that is your beauty, yet helplessly fall by the way side, on my journey to your world.
  Need, you are as evident as your name, though I am yet to ever take on board that which I honestly needed.
  So let us raise our glasses to the man of the hour, who loathes to be alone, and hates to be accompanied.
  The sound of solitude is the same as insanity. 

• I implore you to inform me of why it is, that every time you come within my eye sight I am instantly thrown into a mindless daze, a sense of ethereal surrealism.
  Your beauty will be my death, if you continue to perform as you do.
  And I know not of a human that could deny the allure of your disappearing act.
  You will be the most intensely desired creation that I will ever have had the fortune of knowing.
  And I would go as far as to say, my dear, that I love you.
  Though I wish only to be able to express such feelings in any way other than words.
  Perhaps, in time, such will happen.  

• ( Now this ones a strange, the title of or was "M.B" )                                                                  Not once have I laid eyes upon a creation as incredible.
  Not once.
  Be it editorial or cold hard reality.
  There stands an angel before me.
  Unmistakeable.
  Yet an angel in a room of devils.
  Primitive devils with their intentions carved into their foreheads.
  They're all the same.
  Oh how you must be so weary of the reoccurring similarities you inevitably encounter at every turn.
  So I shall merely stand here, spontaneously locking eyes with you. At that moment, nothing else in this room matters.
  No sound other than the solid pounding of my heart, not a surrounding sight, just the perfection that stands before me.
  Oh how your eyes perform.
  How they speak without words.
  How wondrous secrecy is within these undesirable circumstances.
  But perhaps I am deluded, perhaps all that I have said means only what it does to me and is simply a proposturous misenturpretation of the language of our eyes.
  Perhaps a wishful thought is as much as I shall ever have to reflect upon.
  But before you leave, please accept this key, it simply resembles the fact that you have my heart.
  Au Revoir. 
  

Questionare to understanding my present emotions.

What made you give up on the last person you broke up with?
Differences.

Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely?
I'm working on that now actually.

If the person who has hurt you the most, said they were in love with you, would you believe them?
Not in a million years.

Are you afraid of the dark?
No.

Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl?
Draining my life.

What is something you like to do when you’re down?
Watch Blair <3

If you could go a week forward or a week backwards, which would you choose?
Forward!

Want to kick anyone’s ass?
Fuck yes.

Is any part of you sad at all?
I suppose, yes.

Does anyone have feelings for you?
Doubtful. You tell me...


Are you wearing make-up?
Some eye liner.

Do you like when people play with your hair?
Yeeeeboi.

Do you think you will ever be married?
Marriage is actually just so important to me.
Marry at 23, Child at 26.

Do you get annoyed by one word conversations?
Funk yeh.

This time last year, what was your relationship status?
Complicated.

Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
Lifestory.

Have you ever found it hard to get over someone?
I've never gotten over anyone.

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
I certainly do.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?
Sub consciously, yeah.

Do you usually apologize first?
Depends if they deserve it.

When is your birthday?
August 6.

If you had a tree that could grow anything you want, what would it grow?
Cash Rules Everything Around Me

Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?
YEAH NO SHIT.

Is there anyone who calls you by a pet name?
Everyone who's met me, has a pet name for me.

Are you someone who is an ass because you’re so honest?
Sometimes.

How often do you give out second chances?
Hardly ever.

Ever wanted to give up on someone?
I have.

Has anyone disappointed you recently?
Yeaaaaaaahp.
Three moods at the moment?
Confused, Worried, Needy.

What’s something that bothers you about girls?
Some are are so selfish.

Did anything cute happen today?
Hm, kinda.

Any tattoos?
Soon enough, I'll be covered.

Is there a girl that knows almost everything about you?
Nope.

Did you ever lose a best friend?
Recently.

Ever think about something that made your heart hurt?
Regularly.

Do you like babe or baby more?
Baby.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yeah, today actually.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Lifestory.

Have a girlfriend / boyfriend on your last birthday?
Nooooo.

How many people do you trust with everything?
0

When someone says something rude to you, do you call them out or brush it off?
Go psycho.

Do you think “I love you” are strong words?
Depending on the context.

Pacino...Or Big. I'm not sure.

My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

The gospel according to Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date

He's a slut, he's a hoe, he's a freak. Got a different girl everyday of the week.

The moment I'm happy with certain things, the moment I have learnt to relax, Reality; and at it's most raw worst, slaps you in the face.
I really need to learn to stop doing that.
To stop expecting the worse the very moment things seem to be going good, because then, when you get hit with the, you won't get knocked out.
Truthfully, the worse has done more than a slap me right in the face, honestly I've been beaten by a motherfukcing crowbar....
And trust me, the scars and the bruises and the trauma are starting to reveal themselves.
Oh no!

The gospel according to Stephen Chbosky

It’s just that I don’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.

The gospel according to Sylvia Plath

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.

I mean... It's stupid of you to want her to change who she is.

I'd like it if people made things clear.
Pacino. Tell me where the line is. There are so many layers in between friendships and relationships.
Theres the acquaintances, the people who you say hello to etc but you don't really like them and you can't really hold a proper conversation with them...
Then there's the friends, the people you hang out with often, but you wouldn't consider them close...
Then you have the close friends, that pretty much explains itself...
And the best friends, also self explanatory, but are an extra level of warmth ( but be warned, best friend is an easy label when you can't be bother explaining the friendship. A person you've known for years but can't be bothered explaining it 'Yeah i've known him forever, he's like my bestfriend...' )...
Then you have the sibling, the person you love with all your heart a soul ( not literal sibling, duh ), it's what you would call a close opposite sex friend...
Then there's the next level, the relationship.
Seeing them, still trying to decide wether you can commit...
Partner, they are your boyfriend/girlfriend...

What i'm getting at is, how helpful would it be if you could define what the contact between you and another person is.
You see, Does Pacino see me as a sister or a close friend?
It is absolutely essential to know what the line is!
If I was seen as a little sis, then I know... Give up.
But close friends always have chance... Where is the line?
How do I know where I stand?
It's not something you generally ask.
I just... Need to know.

The gospel according to Blair

Oh Mr Big

You don't know what you do to me.
Where the fek is Al when you need him.

What those jeans do to me make me wanna get down on one knee, You got that thunder.

Yeah, hello little rant.
You know what men don't appreciate anymore? Ladies in a nice pair of tight ( well fitting ) jeans.
I get it, flesh is sexy.... but c'mon the girls in them hot jeans need some fucking credit. You grab a hottie in a very well fitted pair of jeans and a girl in like a mini skirt and low cut top who's pretty average looking and the male (obviously not in all cases, but majority ) will notice the half naked average girl, over the gorgeous jean wearing one.
It makes me so angry because it means something when a girl chooses not to walk around naked, shows self respect, integrity... But who cares about that shit anymore hey?
As long as you see some skin in an illicit area, wink, hey baby.
Fuck that, it's one thing to flaunt what yo' mamma gave ya...
but it's another to lower your standard. That ain't ever gonna be me.

What are you going here? Hey? The only thing for you here is pain. We don't love you.

Sometimes I'm not so sure what to do when I get this angry.
Like, do I sit and count to ten? Talk it out with someone? Do I go for some sort of walk? Go mental, trash my room, punch holes in my wall? Let it our on other people?
Well lets begin with counting with ten; Have you actually ever tried that?
It doesn't work, in the slightest, if anything it gives you a chance to blow up exploding on the people around you causing destruction. Trust me, I know.
Secondly, Don't waste your time with the second option...
Think about it, would you listen to me if I went frantic about some girl who obviously I'm furiously jealous about, and all I did was talked about kicking her head in and why she makes me angry ( mainly because she's alive, meaning she's in AlCapone's life aswell )? No, you'd be like 'aw don't worry, you'll be okay...' and change the subject. So yeah, fuck that.
The last couple of options, the coocoo options, are the only way out I can think of.
But then, it makes me look crazy. I can run around screaming my arse off and guaranteed, It will make me feel alot better, but it will make you think that I'm some sort of psycho teenager who needs to see some sort of therapist ( wether or not I actually do need to see some sort of shrink is not important ). Which leads to my last, but most favourite option, to whoever has made me angry in the first place, Fuck them up.
But if me running around in anger doesn't make me look crazy, murdering someone does.
I'm always constantly angry though, that is the thing. There really is nothing I can do because the appropraite precautions don't work and the helpful options just land me in more trouble, baaaaaaaah!
Someone, please, get me a goddamn baseball bat.

I'm Obnoxious, Mother Fucker Can't You Tell?

Run through Little Havannah yelling: 'Viva Fidel!'
Jerking off at the sheets when I stay at hotels
Drinking bacardi at AA meetings, smoking a L
I'm broke as hell my attitude is no good
Like working for white people after watching rosewood
So i'm mecenary, I don't care how I get richer
Like American companies that did business with Hitler
Get the picture nigga, I'm the best of both worlds
Without the hidden camera, and the 12 year old girl
Lets face it, if you're basics, you aren't half the man that I am
I throw your gang sign up, and then I'll spit on my hand
Give me a hundred grand, give me your watch, give me your chain
That's your girl, bitch get over here, give me some brain
I'll bust of on her face, and right after the segment
She'll propably rub it in her pussy, trying to get herself pregnant
I said it I meant it, that's the way I deal with enemies
Like pro lifers, that support the death penalty
And don't talk about war, when niggaz know that your pus
A fucking hipocrit draft charger like George Bush
Don't push me nigga, 'cause I'm close to the edge
And I'll jump of with a rope that's wrapped around your head
Send a dead fetus to my ex on valentines day
The safety's off nigga, so get the fuck out my way


Obnoxious nigga, murderous lyrics
I know that you hear it
Now that I'm getting closer and closer I know that you feel it
Your eating off rap, and I hope you choke on your gimmick
Niggaz said hip hop was dead but Ive awoken the spirit
We're taking it, back in the day to the golden age
When wack motherfuckers used to get thrown off stage
Immortal Technique, I made this the bump in your ride
Or burn it off the internet, and bump it outside
Nigga, we keeping it live, we keeping it live
We keeping it live, we keeping it live
Burn it off the fucking internet, and bump it outside


Look motherfucker, my words damage and slaughter
A raging alcoholic like the presidents daughters
Disgusting flow like third world country tap water
But before I hit the border, someone give me a quarter
'cause I'm a prank call, cop shot just for kicks
Payback for everytime that they called me a spic
And Porturigan chicks told me that I fuck like i'm loco
And dominiquin women call me the 'Rompe Todo'
They call me 'Assioso' I'd rather get fired than quit
I get unemployment, you work and we making the same shit
How dare you niggaz critisize the way that I spit
You coffee shop revolutionary son of a bitch
But you know what the fuck I think is just pathetic and gay
When niggaz speculate what the fuck 'Pac would say
You don't know shit, about a dead mans perspective
And talking shit will get your neckbone disconnected
Disrespected niggaz don't show no love
Why you trying to be hardcore, you fucking homo-thug
And don't be sensitive and angry at the shit that I wrote
'cause if you can take a fucking dick, you can take a joke
I choke your friends in front of you, to prove that you fallen off
And you won't do shit about it, like the church during the holocaust
Kalashnikov machine gun flow that I fire
Obnoxious untill they shoot me on the day I retire


Daaamn homie, in high school I beat the shit out of you and your man homie
Your girl wanna blow me and don't even know me
She lonely and she thinks your a phony
I take a piss on a development deal from Sony, or Def Jam
'cause your like all of the rest man
This ain't a verse it's shit talk at the end of the song
And you can suck a dick if you think I ended it wrong
Fuck you and I'm gone.

Packing heat

I love how my love of style has just gone throught he roof, all over again!
This years resolution, No more buying food unless it is on Brunswick St or Sydney Rd or anything tre` gourmet`.
Mainly night outs ofcourse, you see, although my taste in modèle is of course exquisite (and I do try not to sound vain in any way ...ha) but I just waste so much money!
Such a shame really, theres so much potential.

Shopping to do list:
Pants department- Highwasted Black Jeans + Highwasted washed blue jeans, Op shop shorts; Light blue + Washed dark denim, Flowey styled shorts than at some pointe can be mistaken for skirts (also know as skorts, alas that word is tre` dégoûter)

Shirts Galore- All range, from frills and lace, to slits and abstract angles. Indie to femme`.
Preferable if mid drift!
>I can never have enough tops.

STOCKINGS- Floral, lace, lined, white, black, bright, dark, shapes, patterns.... STOCKINGS!

Accesorize me baby- Gold chain(s), Bowler hat (FUCK, WHERE TO GET ONE?!, perhaps just a black top hat typa thing will do), Rings? Bangles but most importantly The Gold Chain.

Shoes-  You really have to question what a girl about shoes?, I want lace up leather loafers, More heels, Wedge ankle boots (Balenciaga, yeah I know, goodluck.) and lam-o havanas.

Fuck food, Say yes to fashion!

The gospel according to Slaughter House Five

"That’s one thing Earthlings might learn to do, if they tried hard enough: Ignore the awful times and concentrate on the good ones."

I know you hate it when I do this, I wish I were stronger, stronger than this,  please believe me, I do try.

 

If you really must know, as much as I love you I hate it when you see me.

I'd hate for you to see the real me, it's the scariest thing in the whole world. What if you stopped loving me? what if you stopped wanting to see me? You must never see me up close because you may not like what you see. I am me and I don't change the way I am, but there are flaws that you can't see from afar, but the moment you begin to get closer and closer you see everything that's bad about me. But I see you and believe me, I've never seen anything with that much beauty in a real long time.

Ash Stymest.

It is not everyday you come across someone as marvelous as thee, It is not every you see someone with this much sheer perfection. From body, to facial, to hair particals, to dress code, to body art, this is perfection.

jhb ♥

"If my father was still alive, he wouldn't stand for that. He wouldn't stand for how you act like a bitch, wouldn't stand for anybody who a rat or a snitch. I'm back in this bitch, we was gone for a while. Til a shorty told me that he heard my song and he smileddddd. I'm strong but I'm wild, they say I drink too much......The only problem that I have is that I think too much."
- Vinnie Paz
            JMT 

Bored with the city

What's there to do anymore?
It's like, there's nothing fun to do unless you're 18, or have some sort of I.d pretending to be 18.
What is there to do these days without goddamn restrictions!
I hate restrictions.

When routine bites hard,
And ambitions are low,
And resentment rides high,
But emotions won't grow,
And we're changing our ways,
Taking different roads.

Then love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.

Why is the bedroom so cold?
You've turned away on your side.
Is my timing that flawed?
Our respect runs so dry.
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives.

But love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.

You cry out in your sleep,
All my failings exposed.
And there's a taste in my mouth,
As desperation takes hold.
Just that something so good
Just can't function no more.

But love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.

♥

-Ian Curtis

The gospel according to Blair

Feelings never makes sense. They get you all confused. Then they drive you around for hours before they drop you right back where you started.

Characters List:

Just a few *names that are mentioned in this blog.

Mr BIG - The very bad guy.
AlCapone, formely known as not so Mr BIG, Big.  - The very very bad guy, that understands and takes better care of me more than anyone else.
S - The one who just doesn't seem to understand, even though it's their job too.
Bangs - The one who's always there, In a good way.

*none are fictional characters but are anonymous for protection....
Mainly mine.

And then I realised

That even after I quite depending on the people around me and stopped listening to the voices of two fictional characters and prince charming, I'd still depend on this blog to keep emotionally level.
Great.

Explanation of below....

I suppose I didn't make my point clear,
what I was trying to imply was that, maybe being alone isn't so bad... I mean, from the beginning.
Now,  at this point, being alone is another word for suicide.
But maybe I can rebuild myself from ashes and just get used to being numero uno.
Maybe after this outrageous blow to the heart not only from the intimate side, but the friendships aswell,
I can learn to sustain my life, without depending on anyone but myself?
Like I said, supression is a way of life for me now, perhaps I should take it that one step further?
Truely, alienate myself?
I spoke to the not so Mr BIG, Big, the other man in my life, the one who hadn't quite betrayed me yet, who for some strange reason was not me at all but understood me better than anyone else and he made me realise I can only count on myself...
But then, I counted on him to help me realise that.
Am I physically unable to just make myself happy instead of count on people that won't be there forever?
I actually have no faith left in me... All I have is the Sacrements of Carrie Bradshaw and Blair Waldorf... But then I suppose I'm depending on them to preach for the sake of my will!
What am I doing?
I look for Mr not so Big ( I'm thinking I should give him a less imasculating name, I'll have to get back to you on that one...) to guide me because of his ability to understand me and the hostile, nerving voices of the Carrie and Blair evolution to help me pull through, But I suppose it's not as warm and homey as I hoped for.
I simply don't know anymore.
What to do about myself, What should I do?
I need help, I need true genuine help.

Dont go a-changin' to try and puh-lease me. You've never let me down before...

Lie.

Oh how I have fallen under the addiction of supression.
Oh how I love burrying emotions.
Imagine, sitting alone at a park shivering, cigerette in hand.. did I mention alone...? For over an hour.
And you want to know what I was thinking?
She was the one who was meant to be my friend, and yet she's the one who stabbed me in the back by kissing the one person who kept me from falling apart... and as if that isn't bad enough i'm the one at the park, alone, deserted by all my friends who are with her, the heart breaker. Someone, gun, me... now?
She, was surrounded while I, was alone.
Sitting there alone, wow, It hit me. I was just a whole lot of... Nothing.
Don't get me wrong, this, has only made me madder, and stronger but it makes me question;
Perhaps I am better alone?
I thought I could count on my best friends, and yet ... BOOM!
They practically reward the heart breaker for what she did!
I mean what?
What the fuck is that!
Perhaps I'm being selfish, but the things is, I'm not.
I know I'm not, any person who depends on their friends would feel like this.
I'm not talking about someone who has a boyfriend and depends on him... Or someone who has a supportive family / siblings they can talk to, I'm talking about someone with a broken down, nothing family, who literally has nothing to depend on, no-one to talk to but their friends.. And there are ALOT of people out there like me, who would actually agree with me!
God, I need a shrink.

I am Blair Waldorf, Blair Waldorf Is I.

Now, I have a way on how to deal with things.
I bury it, I ignore it, I try to forget about it.
And that, works for me. It always had.
As I burried it, I thought of the ways I wish I could have dealt with it.
Now, I have decided fuck hiding it, you deserve major break down.

And I know for a fact,
I won't stop until I know your destroyed.
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Maria Burke Scorned.

Mr BIG

Now I know that most likely will recieve hate mail here and there but fuckit, I know EXACTLY what it's like to have my very own Mr big.
I hate Mr Big. I actually hate him more than life itself.
He is selfish and annoying and coniving.
He knew how Carrie felt and he fucked her around still, he led her on, tugged at her heart.
I have a BIG, Identical, not physically but mentally, emotionally.
You could not understand how much Mr BIG, my Mr BIG, Breaks my heart.
Like he's a nice, cute, kind man...
But when it comes down to it, he's selfish.
Chooses to ignore what's infront of him, because he knows he has it.


God I fucken hate BIG.

All that really has to be said...

A close friend, a sister to me
Totally betrayed me in the worst way possible.
Get the fuck out of my life.

Do I want to be happy?

Fuck picking stereotypes,
I've thrown away some amazing ( sexual ) relationships due to what I think my man should be like.
It's just, the 'nice, smart, shy' guy sounds so boring. I mean if you compare the nice guy with the dick, who am I going to find more fun?
I know how selfish it sounds, girls like something to chase.
I realised I fucked up big time.
I picked to follow the bad guy, the user.... I was blinded by his reputation, his views, his cocky personality.
All I wanted to see was me with this shiny man, I wanted to stand out.
I threw away, I gave up on, an absolutely sweet loving kind boy, because he wasn't flashy.
Fuck, I was just so selfish and so blinded!
I could've been happy.
That's it, the way I see my relationships needs to end.
I can't throw away nice boys for the bad ones.



....God, PLEASE I am REALLLY going to need your help for this one okay!

So you want to know what, and who, get's to me?

So where has all the day gone? And why are my lungs aching when I breathe ? Is there something wrong with the heat? Why am I so cold? My heart feels sick, and it hurts when I speak.

So wake, wake up.  Just wake, wake up.

I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.

Hi

Hey

How are you?

Okay, yourself?

Yeah I'm pretty good. Whats's new?

Nothing. You?

Yeah there's actually alot going on, but it's nothing important.

Look, I'm sorry I've been so distant, I've been busy and all.

I know.

But I'd like to make it up to you soon as possible, how about tomorrow?

Yeah what time ?

( 3 months later )

Hi

Hey

How are you?

Okay, yourself?

Yeah I'm pretty good. Whats's new?

Nothing. You?

Yeah there's actually alot going on, but it's nothing important.

Look, I'm sorry I've been so distant, I've been busy and all.

I know.

But I'd like to make it up to you soon as possible, how about tomorrow?

Yeah what time ?

( 3 months later )

Hi

Hey

How are you?

Okay, yourself?

Yeah I'm pretty good. Whats's new?

Nothing. You?

Yeah there's actually alot going on, but it's nothing important.

Look, I'm sorry I've been so distant, I've been busy and all.

I know.

But I'd like to make it up to you soon as possible, how about tomorrow?

Yeah what time ?

Is it all sounding a bit too familiar?

Christmas....

Deffffinitly the worst time of the year.

I don't understand, why?

Another night, I am fueled with liquer.
I always seem to be questioning....
Why I've been put in this position of hatred and love.
Why is it you posses me?
This day, it hurt the most to know that you don't see eye to eye with me.
My friends are all in the backyard consuming every glorious minute after another, while I sit in the lounge room and contemplate where my solace is.
I can't seem to get over it, I try furiously with all my strength to forget the chemistry and the balance, but the thought of us ( or so to say, lack there of ), kills me.
I can't even drink to the point of intoxication because of the emotions I know, will out poor flooding my mind, my friends minds. I don't want them to feel what I feel.
I'd hate for them to look into my eyes and see that the spark has left me,
I'd hate for them to see how much I could sincerly hate myself for my stupid actions.
I wish that I could get over it, Instead of continueing to linger on with the thought of all this shit working out.
But more, I wish with all my heart that you could love me with the enormous warmth I feel.
I wish that you had the longing, like mine, to see me and speak and hold me ( as gross and shit and cliche` as that may sound. )
I wish that out there someone. ANYONE, felt that longing for me.
But that really isn't going to happen is it?
It's okay, I used to being a lonely wreck who despises very inch of me.

I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I'm Maria

And that's exactly what I tell the bitch, Ain’t got the time to easy your mind,I’m on some other shit.
Know what you’re fuckin with? A young star, baby! Ever met a nigga like me? Not at all, baby.
A coach player, I could show you how to ball, baby. And live today, Cause I ain’t worried about tomorrow, baby. You heard my song, You seen my face around, So now it’s you and me, So take this good weed and break it down. Spot boppers, Shawty talkin bout skating now.
And given brains, Let me know just what she thinkin bout. Burning trees, Courtesy of my Jamaican pal. Gettin all this money, With all these honeys I could make em pout. Now I could make you smile, Or I can make you moan. Turn you into my number one fan if I take you home. Want me to break you off? I’m thinking more about the money, The money’s what I’m thinking about.

-Wiz K, There actually Isn't enough photos of this god sent man.

Continuation of last night.

Alot more sober-rer.
So to speak, went quite well.
Infact, I seemed to build stronger ties with other, who frankly were alot more polite towards me than others.
It's surprising because I always thought i belonged with the others, I thought that that's who I was mean to be with.
I saw tonight I couldn't have been more wrong. Yes, those sickening ties are cut whilst stronger ties have been made.

Currently 2am, Is it Friday morning or Saturday moring?

Why Is It I drink so much when you break my heart?

You've abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

When you lived inside of me
There was nothing I could conceive
That you wouldn't do for me
Trouble seemed so far away
You changed that right away, baby

You've abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

Love don't live here anymore
Just emptiness and memories
Of what we had before
But you went away
Found another place to stay, another home

You've abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

-Dallas Green, The Only Man Who Understands

♥

 

I'll expain how my cutting of ties went,

At this very moment I'm seeing double of everything so I think I might just leave it with some lyrics that you're most likely not interested In but If you're curious of how I'm feeling....

Until Tomorrow;

Okay, I'm going to try this whole new thing.

Cutting Ties.
Not to the fullest extent, but so to say, all the negatives can fuck right off.
I suppose I spent more blaming my downfall on other things rather than bothering to point the finger at myself.
I tried furiously to keep my ties satisfied, no matter how many times I'd been stricken by Ignorance and Inconsiderateness. That's what made me look like the idiot in all of this.
So tonight, where a renunion is to occur, I shall try out my new revolution.
The plan is to maintain a relationship of maturity and Communication, but to cease all actions of  'mucking about.'
I know I should have listened In the first place, I guess it was my big head that led me to believe that I could pertain these Imbecilic Morons as faithful ties.
We'll see how the night goes.

All your friends seem like enemimes, when you're broken down and empty.

It's actually terrifying

The more I get to know you the more amazing you seem.
That's not good, the more amazing you seem, the more I need to have you in my life.
I don't think you understand how vulnerable that actually makes me.
Especially to someone like you, who for some reason reads me so well.
I'm trying to decide wether I need to be confrontational,
Do the whole 'I can't see you anymore.' Type of thing,
Or wether I just continue Chilling.
I've been Chilling for so long.
God, It is such a scary thing to put your faith into something, because you gotta always keep your guard up.
That's why it's terrifying.
It is Terrifying because you come across so amazing I totally forget about my guard,
even now, the guard.... It's gone walk about.
Perhaps it's time to get ready for self distruction.

Lost In Translation

您是失望

 
通過我的手指滑動並彼此的



免費


你不知道我的能力

Draco Malfoy.

"No one can help me," said Malfoy. His whole body was shaking. "I can't do it...I can't...It won't owrk...and unless I do it soon...he says he'll kill me..."





"Draco, Draco, you are not a killer."
"How do you know?" said Malfoy at once.
He seemed to realize how childish the words had sounded; Harry saw him flush in the Mark's greenish light.
"You don't know what I'm capable of," said Malfoy more forcefully. "You don't know what I've done!"

...and sometimes nothing needs to be said at all

and you just fuck with them coz you afraid to be lonely.....


It's annoying how you think you know someone, you think you can count on someone, you think that oneday because you love them so much, they will pull through in the end and they just end up completely and utterly destroying the trust they had built with you.
It's annoying how you think someone was destined to be you friend, that they understand you, that they could give a shit, but really, when it comes down to the most vital part, they fuck off because they are pre occupied by other things (...and beings).
It's annoying how you thought you could talk to them, but really, as much as they have told you that they care they haven't done a single thing to prove it. If anything, they've proved how much they don't care.
The bottom line is, its been me, trying too fucking hard.
It's me who loves you more,
who puts in the effort,
who tries to make you happy...
It's the worst feeling knowing, that not only is the opposite sex fucking with you,
but also your girl. The one person who was supposed to prove to you that you don't need your life to be taken over by boys, and yet now, where are you?
When have you even tried ?
I realised, there really is nothing I have to say.
If I am the only one that sees it, goes to show much the significant other has looked over or should I say ignored.
It reallly is up to you now.

"to have feelings for a person
is taking all your time thinking
of things to say to that someone
staying up late into crackhead hours
then waking up to drink cups after cups of coffee
as you realize you’ve just smoked all your cigarettes
but still have nothing to say but ‘how are you’"

-Gosh, I hate how true this is.

Crimes Of The Heart

This verse always gets me.

Love doesn't need a complicated metaphore, and sometimes nothing needs to be said at all.
Sometimes a person you're with, is not your one and only and you just fuckk with them because you're afraid to be lonely... And when you come back its too late, so you overcompensate like victims of rape, full of self hate. Lost in the affection to strangers around you, instead of the only person that ever gave a fuckk about you.
Thought you were happy so you didn't come check me, but then when he cheated or treated you incorrectly,
you conveniently realized you could never forget me....
And tried to crawl back in my life unexpectedly.



-Immortal Technique

Somtimes, you gotta make your own luck....

I don't know if I'd call it luck or fate,
I don't know if I should even call it anything,
but I love how Poker Face gets brought up and you arrive.

I believe in something called fate,
I hope my beliefs do not destroy me.

Considerably Furious.

Like so absulutely furious that all these fucking bones in my fucking body are shaking.
My hands are shaking that as I type this out, I keep making fucking errors.
I've noticed that i've just been to fuckign emotional, I mean, It happens...
People complain of how your not emotional enough, you're too heartless, and then the moment you try to be the slightest bit human, the moment you let emotions in YOU GET FUCKED OVER SO FUCKING HARD IT COULD KILL YOU.
That is just what happens, I am so sick of this not talking thing....
I tried, and I got absolutely fucked up the ass.
This poker face, the one that i had put away jsut to make you happy goes back on, I cannot be fucked by getting fucked over by you anymore, Stop fucking Pretending like you fucking give a shit about me when YOU CLEARLY DON'T.

Holidays Check List.

• Spirited Away
• Howl's Moving Castle
• Laputa : Castle In The Sky
• Whisper of the Heart
• Kiki's Delivery Service
• Princess Mononoke
• My Neighbor Totoro
• Grave of the fireflies
  

"My feelings for you are so huge, I don’t think I can contain them. Sometimes I want to hold you so tight it scares me. Like I want to hold you until the life is gone, so that you can’t ever vanish."




Holla at me:



I am centred by my fear
I am hollowed, when you're near
Can you feel the passion deep in here?
Do you understand the tears?

What's the price I'll have to pay
Should I take the offer you make
What's the least I'll have to say
Eye to eye we meet and then you take


I should've known, you would leave me this way
I should've known, you'd have to leave
You could've shown, some dignity
You could have shown me what to believe

I should have known
You could have shown

I am censored by my fear
I am hollowed, when you're near
Can you feel the passion deep in here?
Do you understand the tears?

I should have known
You could have shown

P.s

I love Quote Book ! 

• "Anyone can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way—that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy."

•  "The question we need to ask ourselves is whether there is any place we can stand in ourselves where we can look at all that’s happening around us without freaking out, where we can be quiet enough to hear our predicament, and where we can begin to find ways of acting that are at least not contributing to further destabilization."

• "Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering."

• "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

•  "Maybe I would have been
    Something you’d be good at
    Maybe you would have been
    Something I’d be good at
    But now we’ll never know"

• "I have another scenario for you - I’m in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I’m in love… with YOU. I’m not feeling this because you’re leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way… which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can’t figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you. I can’t believe how many times I’m saying it! And I never thought I’d feel this way again, so that’s pretty phenomenal. And I realize that I come as a package deal: 3 for the price of 1. I know my package, perhaps in the light of day, isn’t all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU."
  

• "Can’t you tell?
    I’m not myself
    I’m a slow motion accident
    Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
  
    I don’t wanna feel anything but I do
  
    And it all comes back to you." 
  
  
  

But alas as much as I love it, There are some things I highly disagree with; The ones that are all about how revenge gets you no where etc, violence is not the answer... Those people obviously have never felt the satisfaction of watching someone's (of  which you utterly hate ) life slowly burn down right in front of them.
That is satisfaction.

The ability to bullshit is an essential life-skill

" If you really want to do something you’ll find a way.. If you don’t, you’ll find a excuse."


That is my meaning of life.

It's all about your Interpretation

I wish I had senserity in my eyes,

I wish I could be taken more seroiusly instead of continuesly being scrutinized.

I wish you could see how hollow I am and how much I'm dying on the inside.

I wish I could tell you what I'm feeling instead of always being so angry at myself and the world.

I wish I could just teach you a lesson, hurt you as much as you have me.

Make you feel the pain, the agony that burns inside of me because of the way you mistreat me.

I wish you could just read my fucking body langauge and fuck off from my life, disappear, vanish.

I wish I could vanish and never come back.

Bipolar + Inspiration.

I guess when you are feeling your absolute lowest,
there's no point talking to people who really don't care...
All you can do is draw your heart out, put everyting into that, that way people can see you as creative and artistic instead of just ridiculously sad.
I have a really big sketch in store;



Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error. Trial and Error.

Hell hath no fury, like a Maria Burke scorned.

Feminism. It doesn't mean that you're weak for loving a man or at some point in need of them to help decipher what you really want and need. That's not what Feminism is about. On the contrary
...I adore men.


"There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain." - A.Hepburn.

Are you wasting away in your skin? Are you missing the love of your kin? Nodding and melting and fading away...

All I want to be is a beautiful illustration,
something you can see but never physically feel, I could perhaps touch your heart, but that is it. I want to be immortal and beautiful; If I was a drawing I could stay like that forever, a depiction of what perfection really should be, nothing to destroy or ruin my unblemished state.
Yeah, that's all I wish I was, something unimaginally beatiful to look at.

....I hate how obsessed I am with Image.

I know I should.

I should be sewing my heart out right about now.

There was nothing I could conceieve That you wouldn't do for me Trouble seemed so far away You changed that right away, baby

Within the most messiest week of my life i've been told I am two contradicting things.
I've been told that I present myself and come across as a being who is constantly unhappy and cross.
Days later I was told by someone else that I'm the type of person that loves everyone and everything, on the contrary I personally believe I hate almost everything and everyone, but, I did notice that this was actually the case.
....And yet, I'm still bitter.
I was told, the way to fix my unhappyness and bitterness is to do the things I love, the things that take my mind off whatever breaks me, to preoccupy myself with whatever it is that makes me happy.
I love alot of things and alot of people, but that doesn't make me any happier.
Yes, I'm trying to get it around my head aswell.


I need something, someone, to show me how to love something and be happy with it.

I just realised

I am actually the lamest person I know...
God, should slap myself in the face right about now.

Went to sleep real, Woke up realer.

I was so tired of everything,
so one night I just decided to pull it together.
I thought about everything making me unhappy, everything that ate me up inside, all the things I was wasting my time on...
None of it was actually worth it.
I let the wrong people bring me down, I compensated myself for others who had no care for me.
I picked the most wrong time to fall apart, right now is when everything matters and I let myself go.
I wasn't strong anymore, I wasn't passionate anymore... I became nothing. A smoking, swearing, spitefull, silent nothing. That's not who I am. I fell behind. Maria Burke never falls behind.
So that night I decided to go to sleep after hours of hyperventalating and crying and all that weak shit and wake up the new me, the better me.
Now, I can honestly say, I am much happier and less.... Angry.
I pulled myself together, got my acedemics back on track, got fit again and forgot about the uneeded baggage.
I intend on returning completely into the person I was before I crashed; The person who was far more superior than BW.
I just needed a wake up call to grow the fuck up... Ya get me?





...Don't Get This Shit Confused.
Nigga this was never my dream, been through what I seen. I'd rather Kill myself before I'll live a lie, before I'll turn informal. Nigga I'd rather fry.

Family Guy, Stew-Roids.

In this episode you see the explotations of personalitites.
Stewie gets beaten up buy a girl so he begins to go the the gym, where peter starts injecting stewie with steroids.
Stewie soon learns the up and downs of using the drug.
Meanwhile the popular girl decides to ask Chris out because she is sick of jock boys, she soon learns what it is like to walk in Meg's shoes and suffer rejection.


In the first scene you see Peter commentating on the cooking meat, poking fun at his weight and making it sound sexual which is what makes it funny, 'sex' jokes make up alot family guy.
There's also black 'awkward' jokes made about deaths in iraq with peter showing no empathy towards the death of Joe's son. Stewie's sexuality also gets questions as he plays with the barbie dolls then gets beaten up by the little girl. It also shows parody where the show 'Family Ties' gets brought up with an awkward subject of 'periods'. Stewie insults 'Johnson&Johnson' calling them liars and making them look evil. Peter emphasizes how disappointed by Stewie's 'Girlyness'. There's also the stereotypical 'popular girls' where she is vain and selfish, she wishes to date a loser and make them cool. Fart jokes and sexists jokes are all included. Megan being excluded from her family and fluttering over the popular girl empashizes how pathetic she is which does make you laugh. Peter makes the remark "If there's anyone i can trust, its a stranger in a gym holding a dirty needle" and sticks a needle that is labelled steriods into stewies arm. It is funny because you laugh at Peter's stupidy and Stewie's misfortune.  Soon you see Stewie quickly turn into a stereotypical image of a steroid user, It looks disgusting. Peter tells Louise after she screams at Peter for his actions "Yeah, i believe what people tell me, anywhere." After that Louise knocks Peter out. Stewies new look has made him turn into a different person who is aggressive and obnoxious... More than usual.
Its elements that represent the awkward moments in life that make the show particularly funny.

I don't think there is anything not funny about the show,
they may take some jokes to far, but it would take someone who was quite uptight to find it offensive.
Alot of the jokes made you can relate to, like 'wow I was thinking the same thing', which is what most people find favourable to the show.
The comedy types in the show include Black Humor/Dark Comedy, Slapstick Comedy and Wisecrack comedy.

What is it that would make my life easier?

If I could read your mind, if I could know what your thoughts are about things, about me.
I wish I knew everything.
I'd know if I was wasting my time, if i had a chance.
There would be no way I could miss perfect chances and signs.
I wish I knew everything about you.
I wish I knew what made you happy, I could give that to you for the rest of your life.
I wish I knew what made you sad, then I could prevent it from happening.
I wish I knew what made you angry, I could never fuck up.
I'm talking about the very last detail of you, I wish I could know your life story.
I wish I knew what you were doing every second of the day. I'm always so scared about you, so scared about the glorious relationship you and trouble have with one another.
I wish you could understand that I will always be there for you, till the day you die, I will never dissappoint you.

Spontanious writing whilst straitening my hair, lol

10.43 Pm.

Frankly, I had had enough.
That was my breaking point, the very moment in time I snapped.
I had had enough of her rude, disrespectful attitude towards me. I don’t get talked to like that,
The bullshit that whore stood for. Her stupidity was not aloud by me.
I couldn’t take that voice anymore, this ignorant waste of space needed to be destroyed.
I picked up the hardest, sharpest I could find, obviously because we were outside my artillery had to be a rock. All the blood,  the rage, the energy in me flowed straight into my hands, my fingers.
With a strength I didn’t know I had, I hit her across the face, like a slap… but with a cold hard rock.
Oh god it felt so good, better than whatever that guy’s name was did to me last weekend.
It was actually so lovely to see her body hit the floor and to hear her cry of pain.
Oh, I love when people think I'm psychologically disturbed. It means I overloaded their neurological nerves. She was beginning to re gain consciousness, I waited for her to get her head back together. I smiled, and she began to swear.
I told her, ‘it would probably be best if you just shut the fuck up.’ And I gave her a lovely socker right in the jaw.
I had this feeling in my throat, it was so strange. It was like… laughter, like I wanted to laugh uncontrollably. It was brilliant!  I just started laughing hysterically, as the slug began to cry.
I kicked her in the stomach. One, she screamed. Two, she cried and screamed. Three, blood began to trickle out of her mouth as she cried and screamed. My hysterical laughter grew louder.  I’ve waited for this for such a long time, to teach her a lesson, to fuck her up.
The bitch loved to mention how I never had the balls to do shit,
Well look at me now, ‘You’re the pussy acting hard like bitch copper, well look who’s dropped you on the floor like a reverse wrist lock.’
I picked her up by her shoulders and spit on her ratty little face. I began laughing again then slapped her. She began to cry even harder, as hard as I was laughing almost.
Whoever said violence wasn’t the answer had obviously never uncontrollably hit the shit out of someone. I hit her really hard a few times to knock her out, then dragged her to curb. I waited for her to wake up, when I told her to open her mouth and put it on the open drain. Naturally at first she refused… so I choked her till her throat burnt.
She was quite dead, and as I knew she was in incredible pain I opened her jaw for her.
Biting the curb I told her, she should have watched her mouth, because I’m fucking crazy. With that, STOMP.
My foot practically went through her head, it was the funniest thing I had ever seen.
Her head was destroyed, ripped apart. Now I was euphoric.
No, I didn’t feel like I was crazy. I felt satisfied.
Tell me, why should I let someone continuously put me down?

I actually did it!

I ran so hard and so fast,
I just cracked it and pushed myself to run till I passed out.
Nothing has ever felt more releasing.
God, I almost forgot what it was like to breathe.

Don't You Wish

That you could just run forever and ever and never have to go home or see anyone ever again?
Today, god. My urge to just run till I died, was on maximum levels.
It just sounds so nice to be able to run into the sunset, never look back, and take deep breaths in and out.
I wish it was all as simple as that.

Spontaneous writing,

1.27 am, 16th October.



My walk, had a streak.
I focused on how the sun’s gleam looked against the blocks me and my peers sit on each morning.
It was period three, and I headed to my spot, my corner.
It was there that I went every time I skipped class, especially period Three Thursdays. Eurgh, Human Science.
I looked down at my feet as I walked down to my corner, lately I felt down.
I had something special and it had been taken away from me,
One minute there, the next, gone. With no explanation.
It was, to great importance, that I shook those thoughts though… Because they were just thoughts.
As I walked around the theatrette to reach my beloved corner, I looked up.
There, he was. Sitting in silence, waiting? I wasn’t sure, but I had to approach.
“This is my corner and it is period three, my corner….”
He looked deep into my eyes and remained silent, not budging. That was like him, always so hard headed… stubborn.
I’m not sure what came over me, but this urge… It was strong.
He kept his eyes on me.
“I‘m sorry that I can‘t make you happy. I’m sorry that it’s not as simple as me being whatever you want me to be. I’m sorry I’m no that girl, that housewife, that slut. I’m sorry. ”
He looked down, and I felt my lip tremble and my heart light on fire.
He began to say my name, when I interrupted…
“No, I need to say this, because if I don’t I‘ll go crazy, if I don’t, it will literally kill me.”
I waited for him to get up and run away, but he remained still. Not looking down, but not looking at me. Staring into the distance.
“I haven’t said anything to anyone, because I don’t want them to know. I don’t want them to know how much on the inside I’m dying. I don’t want them to know because I‘ll be humiliated, I dont want them to know, because they might think your a bad person... when you're not. You're just not. I just... I need to tell someone, and I‘m telling you because as much as I am hurting on the inside now, no matter how much more we‘re driven apart, I‘ll still going to hurt on the inside… nothing could change that, we're already not talking.”
I felt my hands shake, and he looked back down. I didn’t want him to look at me anymore, I knew that would put me off. I couldn’t have that, I needed to keep going, to get all of this stupidity out of my system.
“I want to make you happy though, in every possible way. You Don’t have to be alone all the time.
You don’t have to be this person, just because of the way you’ve been brought up, because of the way your friends see you. I  just want to be there for you when you need me. I just want to talk to you, and for you to talk to me. Why can’t you understand that? ”
I stared down at the top of his head, I was furious, but all I wanted to do was hold him… God, I’m so cliché.
“I need you to stay in my life, I need you to be here, you‘re the only piece of reality that I have. You treated me like an adult, you took care of me, looked over me, made me feel like there was at least one person I could go to….. But now, you‘re gone. I can‘t help but just love you so much, because of the person you are. You‘re such a fucking amazing person and I get that you like to be alone, I know that! I'm like that too, I like my space, I like not having to depend on anyone... I'm not here to tell you what to do, or to try and help you... I just want to be there for you.”
I couldn’t believe I used the words love and fucking in the same sentence. No, I couldn’t believe that I told him I loved him. No one loves anyone anymore, yet… I did. I did love  him. No other way to describe the burst of emotion I had for him, I knew I sounded pathetic.
“I love you so much it consumes me, and I wish that you could just love me back, and be happy. You‘re never happy. Neither am I, but with you… I feel it, I feel the happiness and warmth and all that stupid fucked up shit. I‘ll always love you, because you, you are smart and funny and caring.. The best thing to ever come in my life. I learn from you, I push myself to do better because of you, you consume me, and there will never, ever be anyone that could possibly compare to you, there is no one, that could. No one that would ever affect me the way you do. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I love you so much. ”
I was breathing heavy, my heart and my lungs were on the verge of a collapse. Now I looked down. I was so ashamed, all my heart was put on the line, fuck, I must have sounded so desperate. But, It was all off my chest. My ribs felt less heavey, but broken apart.
He slowly stood up, and as I watched his body slowly straighten up he grabbed my face.
I looked up into his eyes, shaking. He looked, no, he stared so deeply into my eyes. I was hypnotized.
My entire mind went blank, something that has never happened before. Something that I had wished for weeks since he was the only thing on my mind.
He felt so warm, the way I always knew he was, and that smell. His smell.
It was almost sweet. It had been such a long time since we made contact, this is how i wanted it be forever. Still, silent, embracing.
He opened his mouth and began speaking. His deep voice echoed through my body, sounding so wonderful, the voice that had taken over my life.
For once, my heart felt warm and still.

Aw Cute.

This is who I am, and I have a reputation to uphold. Even after the humiliation you put me through due to your disrespect, I will never let anyone look down upon me, Especially you.
I may be conniving, but you are worse.
You are a hypocrite.
This is social hierarchy, and I plan on staying number one.

This Is Who I Am.

I am Blair Waldorf,

Blair Waldorf is I.

Hehehehheehe

Okay, This May not seem like a big deal to you,

But fuck it, it is probs one of the most proud moments of my life.

Here's a photo of me, left hand corner Jumping a fence for Parklife:

I just had to put it on my blog.
This was one of the most proudest days of my life.

Looking at this photo, It just makes me laugh out loud literally.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

I didn't quite make it over, because that body guard looked at me as I had one foot over the fence and said,

you take another step and I'll break your arms.....

HAHAHAHAHA Oh looord, so funnny.

I tried 17593475983 attempts to get in... and although didn't quite make it,

I was meters away from Lady Sov, La roux, Crystal Castles, Mstrkrft and The Cool Kids.

Was fucking amazing.... With La Roux, we were just walking around, and Cassie stops and starts freaking out.... We look up and There's La Roux.
I turn to Cassie and I'm like 'So what's her real name?'

'Ellie'

'OIIII ELLLIEEEEE'

*Maria waves like a lunaticccc

And so she waves back to all of us......

So La Roux Waved at us.

Then Mickey Rocks from The Cool Kids after their set leaves In some buggy, golf cart thing,

and I run and end up 25cm's away from his face.

My goddddddddd, Now he was my beautiful chocolate man.

I could barely contain myself, he was amazing and I had held atleast 10 secs eye contact.....

Motherfucken Parklife 09 aaaaaaaaye